Thursday, March 31, 2005

A ray of sun in the gray...

Not a good day today.  Didn't feel very good.  I had diarrhea during the night and my stomach was really sore.  It went away but then I had a headache!  That finally left and I just felt tired!

Something wonderful did happen though.  Something so wonderful and something that doesn't happen that often.

Ds10 told me he loved me.  On his own, not in answer to me saying it.  Just out of the blue!  That is so great, the best kind of "I love you" - completely unbidden, unexpected.  It really made my day. 

It may have made my week!

Be well, Dawn



Wednesday, March 30, 2005


Husbands....  I am quite frustrated with mine.  This may seem trivial and maybe it is but it is still real to me. 

I asked my hubby to be sure to be the one to drive to our dentist.  I don't like to make the drive, it is about 20 minutes away, the exit off the highway is right by the George Washington Bridge.  I just have a bad feeling about it.  I am just not comfortable with the drive and have anxiety about it.

So, he yes, yeses me.  Makes the appointment for the kids and the extra one for me to get my tooth fixed and says he will be there and will drive.  Tonite, he informs me he can do the Monday or the Tuesday appointment, but not both.  Great, thanks.  He knows I am a wreck about my appointment and the kids are just cleanings. 

He tells that I just have to do it and deal with it.

Why thank you!  I could have done that from the beginning but I didn't want to "just do it". 

I am sure I will drive and everything will be fine, but I really have this awful anxiety.  I can't take anything for it because - I HAVE TO DRIVE!!!!  UGH. 

I just can't win. 

I really think that he did this just to get back at me for all the other concessions he has to make for my diseases.  He does the laundry, he helps a lot with the kids.  He pays for a cleaning service to come do the heavy stuff every 2 weeks.  He takes me to and from the doctors and to tests and for blood and everything else.  Why should he have to drive to the damn dentist?  Of course, the fact that anxiety is part of the disease makes no matter, I guess. 

Bummed, Dawn

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Dreams, Big & Small

In my email loop today, I advised one of my loopies not to give up on her dreams (due to hers & her hubby's illness) but to tweak them into doable and attainable goals.

Then I started thinking...have I done that?

I have this dream of going to Paris to see the Louvre.  I want to see the Mona Lisa with my own eyes as well as some of the other works of the Renaissance Masters. 

This may be doable or not.  This something I can't do probably for years, maybe until the kids are out of college.  With RA and Lupus, that 14 years may be too long to wait.  Maybe I won't physically be able to do it - then what?

I have also worked on this dream in a small way.  I have read about the Renaissance and the Masters.  I have begun to teach myself French. 

Small, easily achievable goals.  They may be all I will have in the end.  Only time will tell.

I want to write and be published.  I do write a poem journal and occasionally write a humorous essay, but I really do need to work on this one more! 

I want to go back to school.  Sometimes.  Usually, I realize that this just seems impossible.  If I make the committment to the semester, will I be able to finish it?  What if I flare?  Get sick?  The kids?  The house?  The hubby?  The pets?  My parents? 

Excuses or valid concerns?

This is actually a dream I have worked on.  I read constantly.  I usually have 2 or 3 books going all at the same time.  I read on subjects, wide and various, common and uncommon. 

Right now, for instance, I am reading Krakatoa, a wonderful read that is both historical and scientific all at once.  I am reading a book on words, for those wishing to expand their vocabulary and learn the origins of someinteresting words.  I am also reading Dante's Inferno, again.  Tough read, it needs to be gone over more than once.

Reading in a way, helps me with all my dreams.  I can get lost in a book and forget the pain, the worries of being a mom, a wife, and a daughter.  Much the same with movies and tv also.

I have enjoyed working on my dreams here, now.

Be well,  Dawn


A sunny day!

Today was sunny!  It was the first time that the sun has shown on my little spot of NJ in a long time.  It really felt great.  Of course, there were still puddles and flooding all around us due to yesterday's deluge, but I did not mind at all!

Ds12 did a great job yesterday and today on his school work.  I am very proud of him.  He found three great physics books on Saturday and has already read one.

Today is crazy Tuesday as we like to call it.  Ds12 has his Asperger's Syndrome Social Skills group and it is about 30 minutes away, so it puts a crunch in the schedule.

On the way home tonite we stopped at Hooters for wings!  Boy can that kid eat wings!  He and hubby ordered 20 wings - he ate 18, hubby only 16!!  ;-D

Nothing really hurt today, which is unique!  I am always astounded when that happens.  Just the weird thigh pain thing that I have had for a while.  I guess I pulled my quadricep and it is going to take a long while to heal.

I hope to add some of my poems on here soon!


Monday, March 28, 2005

Busy, Busy, Busy

Happy Belated Easter to all those who celebrate! 

I have been quite busy!  Saturday I stayed in bed and tried to heal my lower back/hips that were aching.  It seemed to work!  The kids were busy, dance class, baseball etc.

Saturday night we went out to dinner with friends, A & J and their kids!  Went to the Longhorn Steakhouse and it was delicious!  The kids sat all together at a table and we adults were at the booth next to them.  It was very nice because we were really able to talk.  They are a great couple and are very similar to us in that they basically put their kids first and do a lot of stuff with their kids.  My hubby is coaching with A for the third year in row in baseball.

Then Saturday night it happened!  A filling in one of my lower molars broke and broke away part of the side wall of my tooth!  I am really worried because of infection with any dental work since I am on the Remicade and methotrexate.

So, to jump ahead, today my dentist checked it, but since I am not in any pain and there is no nerve exposed, I have to wait until next Tuesday for her to fix it.  Argh.

Yesterday was Easter.  We relaxed at home.  The kids got up and found their eggs, baskets with chocolate bunnies and their gift of a personal dvd player.  I think it is a wise thing to have with the upcoming cruise we are going on and any other vacations!  Dad cooked an Easter ham and we ate home just the immediate 7 of us. 

Today is rainy and awful.  If it wasn't for having to go to the dentist I would have stayed in pj's and never left the house! 

Ds12 is having a great school day today.  Saturday night after dinner we went to Border's book store because all the kids had gift cards they wanted to use.  Ds12 got some great physics books and other interesting educational books.  Ds10 also did a great job getting educational fun books!  Dd8 bought a bunch of fun books to read which is all I can ask for her at this age.  She has become a reading machine!


Of course, hubby and I got about 4 or 5 books, I guess I have really rubbed off on them with the reading!  Thank goodness!  It opens up many worlds to them and improves all areas of education. 

I am full of aches today which I am sure is the weather.  I may take a nap!

Hasta la vista, Dawn

Friday, March 25, 2005

Good Friday

Welcome to my brand new blog!


Hello!  I always want to journal and my hands hurt too much, thanks to my RA, so here I am!!!  A blog!  How high tech! 

I promise to try to post every other day and I hope people add comments or ask questions!!!  :-D

Today was a mixed day.  Woke up to snow, again, but the kids had school much to their dismay.  My ds12 that I homeschool, also had school much to his dismay - lol!  Tomorrow everyone is off which is really nice.  We may go to a movie! 

Today dd8 broke down crying that she didn't want me to have RA anymore.  I consoled her for a while and agreed that RA does suck, but then I reminded her it could always be worse. 

We have been watching Extreme Makeover:Home Edition and I reminded her of the family where the mommy died from cancer.  I told her that while my RA may cause pain and make me tired, it may slow me down, but it won't stop me!!! 

She smiled and we hugged and all is well for now!  That was tough.  I am in an email loop with a bunch of women (and one man) that have RA and they gave me hugs and the pep talk I needed.  ;-D  I know that my dd8 is growing into a considerate young woman and a lot of that is because she has seen me battle this disease, so good comes with the bad. 

Today we (hubby, all the kids, my parents) went to IHOP for a late breakfast.  It was good!  No meat today, but everyone was able to find something good to eat.

Went to see The Pacifier with my mom and the kids at the movies.  It was very funny and it was enjoyable!  Vin Diesel is very cute in a comic, softee role!  He has a bit of a lisp I never noticed before!

My hands are sore and my hip/lower back are acting up today, but not too bad, thankfully.  No cane needed, so that is always good!  I am frustrated that this is acting up.  I am not sure what I did yesterday to aggravate it.  However, I have pushed through the discomfort.

Pizza tonite for dinner at a local restaurant.  Very good thin sliced pizza.  Yum! 

Came home in more discomfort though and had to take pain med. 

My dear hubby is making a terrible mess by sawing wood for moulding around a door in our dining room.  He is also sawing the wood in the dining room.  Bless his dimwitted little heart.  He could be doing it in the garage on saw horses - but apparently forgot that option.  UGH.  Dust everywhere!

We are also about to color the Easter Eggs - this should be fun! 

Carpe Diem, Dawn