Thursday, October 27, 2005

My Best Friend - Sister of My Heart

I layed in bed for about an hour before I decided to give up for a bit and come to J-land!  It is almost time for my monthly infusion and I am trying to lower my daily low prednisone dose even lower, sooooo my hands are sore. 

Tonight, my pinky is throbbing like it is doing a cha cha!  Amazing how one little finger can hurt so much.  The rest of my hands are just achey-ish.  Is that a word?  I had to take one of the 'big gun' meds and while I wait for relief, I will write.

I don't write often about my best friend, the sister of my heart, although, I truly owe this journal to her.  This conglomeration of ponderings and ramblings is usually what she has been subjected to over the years, and in person, the poor thing!

K and I went to high school together, but she was two years ahead of me, and we did not get to be friends then.  It was through a mutual friend at my work, in the summer after I graduated in 1983, that brought us together.

Like two peas in a pod, within a couple of months we were working TWO jobs together, yes, often at the same hours, and she was practically living at my house.  That was quickly rectified when her mom remarried and moved and shortly therafter, she WAS living at my house! 

K's dad was out of the picture, at least that is the short version and her mom's path was not working with hers.  My parents loved K by this time, she was always with me and staying over most weekend nights anyhow, so it was a no-brainer.  All my mom said was, 'You are the one sharing your room and your space - fine with us!'  We had all manner and type of relatives living in my house over the years, my parents were always seen as the stable helpers, so another stray, so to speak, was hardly a thought to them!

In fact, at one point for year, it was three of us in what used to be 'my room'!  My cousin needed a place to live, she had just graduated college after working full time to put herself through it, landed a job near us, andwas getting married in a year.  The more the merrier!  LOL

Back to K, it was like a continual slumber party in a lot of ways!  From 1984 until I met my hubby in 1990, we spent more time together than with anyone else!  Working together, partying together, dating together and vacationing together.  Oh, the stories, nay, the legends I could share, but won't because my son and mother read my journal!  LOL

Even after I married, K was always a part of my life.  She still was putting herself through college and was living at my house with my parents.  They were thrilled to have their 'adoptive daughter' there with them.  And, thrilled to have a new son in law, too.  Hubby and I were there 2x a week for dinner and on Sunday's.  We lived 3 towns away, and about 7 minutes door to door. 

The day I suspected I was pregnant, about 2 weeks after getting back from my honeymoon and married just a month, it was K that I called and told, and asked to skip work.  I ran over to my parents house, having called into work myself that day, with the test.  She looked first, I couldn't, and she got to see that, in fact, I was pregnant before I did! 

K is my eldest's Godmother and the best auntie to all three of my kids.  I should also mention now that my hubby and K are closer to each other than either is to their own siblings.  My dear hubby loves her so much and can be fiercely protective of her... if she only knew how much!!! 

K moved out of my parents just after I had Fuzzy in 1995, but only three houses over the border into the next town.  LOL 

K was a huge part of our every day life.  She was my constant companion when my hubby wasn't, and even when he was!  She was a huge help with each and every child and each and every emergency, I cannot give her enough thanks or credit for all the things she did over those years!  Most of all, she helped me keep my sanity, and that probably seemed like a full time job at times!  

K met her hubby and began to date him when I had just became pregnant with Pumpkin, my youngest.  She was still a huge part of our lives, and even after their marriage, for a year she was still just five minutes away, and we were always together.  And, my mom had another son-in-law to spoil!  LOL

Then, K and her hubby moved.  They aren't far, just about 35-40 minutes, but, far enough that our visits were whittled down considerably.  At first, we saw each other 3-4 times a month, and we made up for it with phone calls!

Enter my sweet nephew in February 2003!  Now, my dear sis is a mom, too, and I get to be the fun auntie!  It is now much tougher to see each other.  The distance is prohibitive to getting together except on weekends.  K works full time, and has a toddler and it is hard for us to talk on the phone as much, too.  Even the weekends aren't easy because my kids are older and their schedules are our life!  Dance classes, football games, they keep us local, and it is hard for K to always come up, and little J doesn't even have his own schedule yet, but soon!

None of that matters, though.  I know whenever I really need her, she is there.  When I am really upset, for whatever reason, K is the one I reach out to and she always knows what to say and how to make me feel better.  Yes, I have my hubby too, but sometimes, he is the source of the problem, and sometimes, you just need your sister, your friend.  And, K drops everything and runs to help whenever I have needed her.  How can I ever repay that?  How can I ever repay what that means to me?  I can't.

I only wish I could be half the friend to her that she has been to me over the years.  I am handicapped in giving her the same support by two things, kids that are older and have demanding schedules and my illness.  Yet another aspect of my life affected by my RA and Lupus. 

All I can do is tell her.  K, I love you and appreciate you so very much.  You are the best friend, the best sister, anyone could ever hope to have.

Thank you, thank you for being one of my many blessings.

Be well,

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The "TWO" Thing

I got this from my buddy, Ellen, at One day at a time - but I have seen it all around and swore I was going to do it a while back, but here I am now, finally doing it!

Two Names You Go By:

1. Dawn    

2.  Mommy

Two Parts of Your Heritage

1. Italian

2. German  

Two Things That Scare You

1. Something bad happening to my kids

2. Losing my independence completely or my mind to RA/Lupus

Two of Your Everyday Essentials

1. Coffee (as any of my regular journal readers must know by now) 

2.  Hugs and kisses from the kids and Hubby

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now

1.  cotton pj pants in gray

2. gray t-shirt from an old employer of my hubby's 

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at
the moment)

 1. BonJovi (always)

2. Rob Thomas

Two of Your Favorite Songs (at the moment)

1.   This is How a Heart Breaks - Rob Thomas

2.   When September Ends - GreenDay

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than
Real Love)

1. A best friend who makes me laugh (thanks, honey)

2. hot sex (and thank you again, honey)

Two Truths (confessions)

1.  Sometimes I let my dog climb on the bed to sleep with me. (my hubby does not like that)

2.  I often feel guilty about being sick and not being able to do as much as I believe I should do, even though, I know it isn't my fault.

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You

1.  Eyes

2.  Hands, big strong ones....

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies

1.  Reading books

2.  Writing

Two Things You Want Really Badly  (assuming this means material things...)

1.  A new coffee pot  

2.  An Ipod

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation

1.  Scotland

2.  England

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die

1.  Go to Paris and see the Louvre 

2.  Be published 

Two ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy

1.  I hate spiders

2.  I don't like to camp or 'rough it' in any way...not my idea of fun!

Two thingsyou wouldn't normally admit

1.  Sometimes (rarely though) I miss work  (it's that instant gratification you get from completing a work task and knowing that you did it well, you don't get instant rewards often in parenting, it is more of a cumulative thing)

2.  Sometimes I just want my mommy and daddy!  LOL

Two people I would like to see take this quiz...

Oh, you know there are more than two of you out there, so, if you didn't do it, give it a shot!

Also, please wander over to see the new edition of wonderful journal entries to read at CarnivAOL !  It is updated every two weeks, and yesterday was the day!

Be well,

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A Hubby-filled Happy Day

My hubby stayed home today!!! 

I love when my hubby stays home, tomorrow will be 15 years from the day we were engaged, and we still enjoy every minute that we are in each other's company, and wish we could be together more!   That darn work thing keeps getting in the way.  LOL :-D

First, he got up and got the kids up, ready, and drove them to school.  Then, he let me sleep, and got Dunkin Donuts Cinnamon Coffee before he woke me at 11am.  Keep your roses...sleep goes a long way in marriage! 

Next, my hubby took Hammer (who I homeschool) out for a nice father/son lunch!  I got to take a nice, long, hot shower to loosen up my achey joints from the rainy weather.   They brought me home lunch, too.

Then, while Hammer attended to his school work, Hubby offered a nice back rub.  Very nice, indeed, which developed into a spontaneous afternoon delight! 

In spite of the rain, it has been a downright wonderful day!

It is so sad to me that I often hear at various school and sporting events mom's complaining about about their hubbies being around.  That is disrupts their routine, or they are just annoyed by it.  So many mom's complain about their hubbies in such a way that you can hear that they are not "friends" with their mate and do not often have fun with them. 

I am ecstatic to say that my Hubby is my best friend and we always have fun together.  No one can make me laugh like he can.  I am very blessed.

There are rumors that tomorrow will not be raining, thank you, Mother Nature.  I need to leave my house and do some errands that I really cannot put off any longer.  Doing it sans rain will be quite pleasant, for a change!

So, signing off from my very wet, but happy little corner of NJ!

Be well,

PS - Remember, it is still Lupus Awareness Month!


Monday, October 24, 2005

Coffee and Weather

I am happily able to lift my coffee cup to my mouth and back to the computer desk without any pain!  Hooray!

Prayers and good wishes going out to the people of Florida who just had Hurricane Wilma whip through there this morning.  Wilma surprised everyone as she gathered up strength again to a Category 3 and speed as she flew across Florida at 20-25 mph. 

This isn't going to be Wilma's last hurrah yet either, more on that coming.

Here in NJ we are back in the land of gray, since Friday.  No sun, just gray cloud cover.  We even had more rain, as if any part of NJ needed it after getting about 15-20 inches in one week, just the week  before. 

I know we shouldn't question Mother Nature, but, dang, we have more rain coming... why???!!!

Starting later today, we will be getting pummeled with more rain from a Noreaster that started in the Ohio Valley.  Tomorrow, in the very early am hours, it will join up with Storm Alpha and Wilma and have a party over the entire Northeast Atlantic States. 

The weathermen have assured us that it isn't quite as bad as the 'Perfect Storm' of 1991, but it will be pretty darn close.  We are going to be getting tons of rain, again, 5-10 inches depending on where you are located, and wind 50-60 mph, with gusts in the 75 mph range. 

I can assure the weathermen that this sounds pretty much exactly like how I remember that Noreaster in 1991, but hey, they get paid to do this, I don't.  If it isn't as bad, it is definitely bad enough!

In 1991 the ground was not saturated from a week of torrential downpours like it is now.  I am very concerned for all of those in flood areas.  This is truly an unbelievable amount of rain in a short period of time, and one on top of another, no one here has caught their breath!  The rivers and resevoirs are so swollen, it is a sight to see, and does not bode well for tomorrow's storm.

Hubby may work from home tomorrow, since they are predicting the Eastside and Downtown subways in NYC will all be flooded tomorrow and there will lots of service disruption.  Then, add all the weather chaos above ground, and staying in NJ seems to be a good idea.  Thanks to the digital age, he can work on his laptop and Blackberry without a hitch.  Unless, the service goes out, which could happen in a storm like this one.

I will most certainly be staying in the house and nesting!  It would be a perfect day to bake some bread and some brownies, both of which I have ready to go, however, my oven is still broken.  :(   Oh well, c'est la vie.

My joints are screaming today, in response to the increasing drop in barometric pressure.  Especially, my fingers and wrists.  <sigh>  Life with RA.  Life with Lupus.

So, I will drink my coffee, it will warm my bones and energize my mind, and the weather, well, it will be what it will be.

Mother Nature should kick back and relax with some Dunkin Donuts Cinnamon Blend coffee, I think she would ease off some of this fierce weather if she did.

Be well and safe,


Friday, October 21, 2005

Plug for CarnivAOL & Miscellaneous Life

I want to plug CarnivAOL.  Paul, works very hard on this journal that gives us a place to highlight our writing efforts and get to meet some new J-Landers.  Please go visit it via this handy link CarnivAOL and also follow the directions to email Paul your journal entries by 10/23, so he can add them to the next issue, due out on Tuesday, 10/25.

Next up, I got my flu shot on Wednesday.  All day yesterday I was happy that I was not getting a big swollen lump at the injection site and annoyed that my bra was apparently pinching me under my arm.

Fast forward to bed time, I haven't had my bra on for sometime, (I know, too much info) but my armpit still hurts and I still have not had a bell go off, until I try to lay down and roll onto my right side.

OUCH!  I leapt up out of the bed!  What the #@*&????

Upon further examination, I have a huge swollen lump of lymph nodes under my arm, and after further investigation, yes, this can be a side effect of getting a damn flu shot.

Great.  Every time I rolled in my sleep to the right I woke up.  It was not a good night.  I cannot sleep on one side all night thanks to RA which stiffens me into a pretzel.  So, it was a lot of fits and starts all night to find just the right position to sleep with the minimum amount of discomfort.

Here is the worse part:  It hurts to pick up my coffee mug to drink!  ARRRGGGHHHH!!

Next time, I will not be so busy chatting away with the RN that I absent mindedly let her inject me in my right arm!

Oh!  Don't let this scare you from getting a flu shot, I am sure that I got this stupid reaction because I am immuno-suppressed from the drugs I am on for my RA and Lupus. 

And now, for something completely different...

Thanks to John Scalzi at By The Way...

Weekend Assignment #82: What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

Extra Credit: As an adult , have you shared that favorite bedtime story with a child?

I loved any and every story as a child.  I was born a voracious reader and I still am.  I don't recall any particular favorite but I had a big Disney Treasury of Bedtime Stories, and I do recall my daddy reading from that book for many nights.

As I got older, my favorite bedtime reading was Nancy Drew.  I would read and re-read her books, putting myself in the stories and solving the crimes with the help of Bess and George.  I still have my Nancy Drew's and now, my kids have been enjoying them, event the boys!

Yes, I did read from the Disney Treasury book to my kids, from the exact same book that was mine.  Mostly, my hubby did.  Since he works all day and is not home with the kids like I am, bedtime was and is still his special time with the kids.

I would read GoodNight Moon to the kids when they were toddlers before they went to their bedroom with dad.  I still love that book. 

The kids now read on their own, and after daddy puts them in bed they all have reading time with their book lights.  They go to bed earlier than most kids, which gives them the opportunity to decompress from the day and develop great reading skills.  It gives hubby and I time alone each night before one of us falls asleep.  We usually get to watch a few shows together and get time to talk.  The kids are all great students, so the plan is working so far!

Okay, that is enough blabberings from me for today.  Now, go visit CarnivAOL and send Paul a journal entry...scour your archives...go!

Be well,


Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Idylls of Pregnancy

Back tracking some more years through the memory machine, let's talk about pregnancy.

I loved being pregnant. 

There is probably not another woman on earth who loved being pregnant more than me.  I reveled in it.  Glowed?  No, I beamed.  I loved it all, the good, the bad and the burping.  I smiled through every inconvenience, every bizarre twisting of my body, the heartburn, and the deliveries.  I still cannot imagine anything in life that compares to carrying and bearing children!

Becoming God's little (did I say, little?) incubator was a defining moment for me in my life.  I knew as the first little parasitic being began to grow inside me and began to take over my life, that this was 'it' for me. 

What was 'it', you ask?  Being a mom, Mother with a capital M, the children's caregiver, teacher, nurse, comforter, confidante, anything and everything that you associate with the word, Mom.  It was my destiny and I never knew it until then.  I was fulfilled.

It is still the best part of 'me'.  If I have to pull out the one thing I am most proud of about myself, it is being Mom.  Not a mom, but the Mom.  Do you know what I mean?  I am happy that I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, a writer, a reader etc., but being Mom truly defines me.  It is the thing I am best at, enjoy, and want to succeed at most.

Getting back to pregnancy, I still remember where I was when I first felt each of the kids move inside of me!   For Hammer, I was at our, mine and hubby's first apartment.  I was home on disability, from complications from the 10th week of pregnancy from placenta previa.  I had to stay home and rest to avoid bleeding, which was sporadic on and off, since I conceived.  I remember talking to my mom about this flutter feeling, like someone tickling me with a feather from the inside, and she said, "Yes, that's it!".  I was so happy, over the moon really, with joy!

From that moment on, the bond I felt was so tremendous, I couldn't imagine loving anything more!  Of course, then came Fuzzy.  I remember I was at work, and I realized absently that I was scratching back at my belly and then it hit me, duh, it's the baby!  Yay!  I remember calling my hubby right away, to share it with him, too!

Next, with Pumpkin Muffin I was home on disability, like I was with Hammer's pregnancy, except this time I knew I wouldn't be going back to work, and I had 2 toddlers home with me!  I remember the boys and I were sitting in the black leather chair in our family room, one of them on each side of me, and we were watching Nick Jr.  I felt the familiar flutter and tried to explain it to the boys.  I remember Hammer started to yell at my tummy, "Hello Baby!", and explaining to him that the baby couldn't hear yet, but I would let him know when!

Each pregnancy represents a different stage of my life at the time as well.  Being the first time mom, and all the focus being on me and the pregnancy.  Second time around, already a mom, working and juggling being pregnant, it was tough to keep all those balls in the air sometimes!  Third, and final time, knowing it probably was my last pregnancy, it was so poignant and bittersweet at times, and I truly tried to savor it, yet, 2 toddlers were demanding in their needs as well; it was a baptism into the world of the official SAHM, while being pregnant, and trying to do modified bed rest!  Quite tricky, as you can imagine.

All three kids were conceived at different places, all three pregnancies were unique and worlds apart from the other, and I have three unique and amazingly individual children.  Even each of their actual births varied drastically, one from the next.  Their birth experiences shaped them, it seems ...or at least they fit as a metaphor for their personalites well.

Hammer was a tough pregnancy, with quite few scares and his birth was pretty tough!  After a long, exhausting labor of 36 hours, he was wedged in my cervix, and the c-section was like having a freight train back over me, after hitting me the first time during the labor!  He has always been a fighter and sometimes, because of his Asperger's there have been difficult times, but just like his pregnancy and birth, always accented with great joys!

Fuzzy's birth went much like his pregnancy, textbook, his scheduled c-section went off without a hitch, and I even called my office while they were sewing me up!  Classic middle child, easy going, yearning to please, that's my boy, although, he always makes just enough of a fuss, to be sure to be fully recognized and keep us on our toes!!

Pumpkin Muffin's pregnancy was not the easiest, I had sciatica and bleeding problems throughout.  At the end, she never made it to her scheduled c-section date, 10 days earlier, she stopped moving, and luckily I picked up on it. After a mad dash to the hospital, it was determined that my amniotic fluid was drying up, and she barely had much time left.  The c-section was quick and harried, but thankfully, she arrived perfect, no worse for the wear, and quite ready to be heard!  Oh yeah, she knew from day one, she was the baby and the princess, hear me ROAR! 

So, there you have it...more memories and ramblings from the life of Dawn!

Be well,


My Poetry Journal

I just wanted to give a shout out there for my own poetry journal, for those interested in it!

Touch of Empathy

I added a new poem yesterday, but probably have a good 20 or 25 overall for your perusal!

If you visit, please leave comments so I know you were there!

Be well,


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

An Addendum to Pondering Halloween

Thank you to all who commented and reminded me that I do still have a chance for Princess stuff with my own Granddaugter!  I didn't think of that at the time, and I feel better now!  LOL

Also, here are my mom's comments for you all to read, she's the best!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005   Comment Added
A comment has been posted to the Journal:
Carpe Diem - Seize the Day
Pondering Halloweens - Past, Present & Future
Comment from: darlenedennis

Gotta love my Mommy!!!!

Be well,

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Pondering Halloweens - Past, Present & Future

I was thinking today about Halloween when I was a child. 

Then, I was thinking about the Halloween's with my kids. 

Something struck me as odd, and worth pondering some more.

When I was a child, when I dressed up for Halloween, I wanted to be pretty and never, ever, scary or (gasp) funny.  I, of course, I was the Princess, the gyspsy, the kitten, the fifties girl, the hippie, I Dream of Jeannie, or what long as I looked the requisite "pretty" and/or "cute".

There was no negotiating this desire.  Not that my mother didn't try.  One year she was given a beautiful handmade costume.  It looked like a professional one, it was done so well.  I was 5, and told I would be wearing it, much to my chagrin.

It was a clown.  A white satin, big red polka dotted, big ruffled red and white collared, clown costume!  I was not happy.  Did I mention the matching hat?  No, not happy at all.

I wore it and pouted all day.  I was definitely channeling old Emmett Kelly and the whole sad clown thing.  It didn't stop my mom from taking pictures though; we have the whole fiasco preserved for generations to come.

My mom didn't force me to be "funny" or "scary" after that fateful year.  She did ask and try to cajole me each year to deviate from the "pretty" and "cute" thing, but I was not to be convinced; "pretty" was the thing for me.

In fact, even as a teen and adult, I have stayed with the "pretty" or "cute" theme, as a Southern Belle, a toddler in pink feetie jammies, a french maid, a prisoner (my hair & face were done up pretty!) a hooker and a doctor!

I have been teased about it for years, by family and friends.  I have no idea what it says about my psyche, but I justdon't like things on my face or head, and I don't like scary costumes!  I like to believe it is that simple, although I am sure that a therapist would have field day.  C'est la vie!

Fast forward to having my own little girl.  I am thinking this is great!  Just LOOK at those costumes in the Disney catalog!  I couldn't be the "perfect" Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty, to those who don't know), but my daughter can look like she stepped out of the movie!  YES!

The toddler years were the usual fluffy cute costumes and then finally, at age four, Pumpkin Muffin asked to be a princess.  Be still my heart!!!  She wanted to be a "pink" Princess Aurora, and although the blue was my favorite, I was ecstatic.  I couldn't wait until the next year, thinking the road to "pretty" had just begun. 

AND, just look at all the Princesses there are to choose from now!!!

Nope.  It was not to be.  At age 5, Pumpkin wanted to be a witch.  I cajoled, she insisted.  Okay, fine, I am not my mother (stop snickering all of you), I will not force her.  At the costume store there were only "pretty" and "cute" witch costumes for her age so I was fairly happy. 

As we get the costume and turn to walk to the front to pay, Pumpkin spots something, and runs over to a rack off to the side.  A second later, she turns around and has pulled over her face a green rubber mask witches face, wart and all, with wild black and gray hair! 

She screams, "This is perfect!  Just like the evil witch with the apple in Snow White!  I want it!"

Hubby says, "Yeah, sure!"  The boys scream with delight that their sister will be so cool looking.  I want to drop dead on the spot. 

I know what this means.  Payback is a bitch. 

Age 6 - Wonder Woman.  Okay, not scary, kinda "cute", but she would put on this fierce serious look and face off with the bullets every two seconds with her bracelets.  She was very into the "kick bad guy butt" Super Hero part of the fantasy.

Age 7 - A cat.  Again, kind of cute, but Pumpkin did take it to extremes that I never would do.  I would wear the ears and collar and tail, but wouldn't do my face with all the black stuff.  She did.  The nose, and the whiskers.  We had to keep re-applying the make-up all day.

And now, this year, Age 8 - Female Vampire.

Pumpkin wants blood dripping from her fangs and all over her face.  Joy.

What did I ever do to deserve this?  I know, I know, I shouldn't have pouted all day in the damn clown costume.  This is karma, what goes around comes around, right?  UGH.

And, when we discussed possibly going to Disney again, Pumpkin told us during the same weekend that we bought the vampire costume, - and I quote - "Oh pu-lease, I would rather cruise, I am sooooo over those princesses!"  Emphasis hers, not mine.

There will be no 'perfect-blue-Princess Aurora-gown-costume-like-she-just-stepped-out-of-the-movie-from-the-Disney Catalog' for my daughter or me.

However, I am sure that my mother is thrilled, and is enjoying all of this from the sidelines as the all too happy-to-encourage-her Grandma.  <sigh>  The scary truth is that she needed no encouragement.

So, what's the moral of these stories, one from many years past, and the others from not so long ago, and the present? 

I don't know, but I'll take a stab at it anyhow. (Halloween humor, I know, don't quit my day job)

I am happy that my daughter is so much like my mother, though.  It is actually pretty funny and nice.  I don't know what that will mean for us during the tumultuous teen years, but I do know, that once they are over with, I will have a great friend in my daughter, like I do in my mom.

I think it all indicates that my Pumpkin Muffin will be fearless and strong, like her grandma, and ready for action in the scary world that is ours today.  I think she has some of my sensitivity and optimism though, just not as much, but overall, it will serve her well in the 21st Century. 

Or I am just pondering way too much about Halloween costumes!  LOL

Be well,


Monday, October 17, 2005

Life Statements (I was tagged)

Thank you, Hadon, this was very thought provoking.

I kids to grow up happy and healthy and for all of us to remain a happy and close family.

I have...a wonderful husband that loves me, and two fabulous parents that help me and share my life everyday!

I wish...that there will be better medicines for RA and Lupus with less side effects in my lifetime.

I hate...hatred and intolerance.

I miss...having more energy and less pain.

I fear...the lack of coffee.  (c'mon, they can't all be serious)

I son happily humming as he reads about Shoemaker-Levy Comets online.

I wonder...if I am doing everything I can and should do as a mom.

I life, my family, my pets, my friends, I am very blessed!

I always...see the glass as half full!

I am to function without coffee and those who live with me are very aware!

I am not to do the things I want to do, thanks to RA.

I need...more hugs and kisses from my kids, I can never have enough!

I should...remember to not be as hard on myself as I am sometimes.

I tag...Susan, Luanne, Deb, Betty and anyone else who has not done this yet!  LOL

Be well,


Sunday, October 16, 2005

A Quick Hello, I am still Alive

I am sorry that I have not been posting entries or even online for the last few days!

I had a little relapse of my cold that required the z-pak (zithromax) to get me better.  Hey, what's a little bronchitis between friends? 

Thankfully, with the help of some other meds and lots of rest, I was able to make my book club meeting on Friday and all my weekend commitments!

More tomorrow....

Be well,

ps.  I know you tagged me Hadon, I will get there!


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

My Pea Soup World

Today, I am going to borrow a theme of discussion, from my friend, Loretta, at Life with Lupus.

Chronic Fatigue as it presents in Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis.

This kind of fatigue happens because our internal immune system is in a constant hyper-drive, fighting our bodies own tissues or organs.  That is why we, those of us with these diseases, take immuno-suppressive drugs.  To stop our immune system from attacking our good body parts and causing damage.

Yes, sometimes the drugs cause fatigue, too.  I know, it just isn't right, is it?

The thing about this Chronic Fatigue is that people think you are just "tired".  Or worse, maybe they think you are lazy, or unmotivated in your life to do for yourself and do more.

Believe me, that is NOT the case.

The way I describe the fatigue to people who are not sick, is to imagine that everyone who is "well" moves through a world made of clear broth.  Simple enough.

Now, imagine those of us who are sick moving through a world of thick, gooey, pea soup.  You have to fight to move your muscles with 2 or 3 times the effort of the "well" person.  You cannot see clearly, think clearly or move easily.  There are obstacles (chunks) in your way.  Your choices are limited, everything you do must be considered and weighed as a decision, because the wrong one, and maybe you will fall out of the cup.  You can't tell where the edge is because it's thick pea soup.

It is hard, and it is debilitating.  Especially, when no one understands.  All they see is someone who looks "well enough" parking in handicapped, or not exercising, not cleaning, not cooking,  or not working.  The perception is you are lazy.

Actually, there are some who do understand.  Unfortunately, they are usually in the same bowl as we are. 

Sometimes, "well" people do get it, and we are so grateful for those few in our lives.

Today, I was lucky!  I woke up in clear broth!  I was thrilled because today was my "fall cleaning" day.  I got my storage bins and my garbage bags and I was raring to go. 

I would have been happy just to get Pumpkin Muffin's closet done.  It was a disaster area awaiting a Hazardous Materials clean-up crew.  I conquered it, sorted it, eliminated and re-organized it!  YAY!

But, that is not all!  I had energy left!  So, I tackled the school book area, two baskets filled with stuff in my living room, and some of the play room.

I was a tornado of efficiency!

Alright, I needed to lay down afterward, and took an hour and a half nap, but I spent 4 hours working straight!  That just does not happen around here!

After my nap, I got showered and dressed and greeted the kids to do homework at 3pm and still felt good!  My husband, who walked in at 3:30pm, knew what I had done, and was very worried that I did too much.  He was pleasantly surprised when he came home that I looked, rested and happy! 

I have to say I am surprised, too. 

Here is another difference from the "well people".  I know that this will not last.  I am happy and grateful for each day like it, and if I can string a few together in a month, wow, I am really thrilled and feel really blessed. 

It is days like today that I almost feel... um,  <looking around> normal!  I fear that speaking it aloud will break the magic spell and the pea soup will fall back down on me in an instant.

So far though, so good.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  That is the unpredictability factor of these diseases. 

And, that is the one symptom no one lists for Lupus or RA, but all of us learn to cope with pretty quick.

Be well,




Monday, October 10, 2005

A Journal Must See

Even though I just told Gem that I was going to bed, I am back giving you a link to my friend Foxy's Journal and her most recent entry.

After reading my twist on the Sunday Seven, Foxy has done the same for Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Since, I know many Lupus buddies with RA, like me, I am posting this link and hope you will all go and read these Seven things you Probably Didn't Know about RA, here it is:

My Belated Sunday Seven...   Okay, so go now, I am going to bed and have nothing else remotely coherent to say to any of you.  So go.  Read Foxy's entry.   Be well,



Whimper <sigh>

And so, another year ends for the Yankees faithful fans.

A regular season that ended with a bang and many loud cracks of bats... ends in the post season with barely a whimper.

The Bronx Bombers definitely gave us fans an exciting second half of the season with a breathtaking ending, though.

Now, it is time for the Boys in Blue to go play golf in Florida and other green pastures, and time for this disappointed fan to turn to thoughts of white.

White, you say?  Yes, WHITE!  GO WHITE SOX!!!

Of course, my other two favorite sports are in swing now as well.

Football is just heading into the meat of the season.  I love the fact that there are only 16 games in the regular season and each and every one counts.  Go Giants, Go Jets!

Hockey, which has returned from an owner imposed stupid strike and long 18 month hiatus, is now returned with the regular season just getting underway.  Until football is over, I keep an eye on it, but don't get too wrapped up in it as the season is long.  Much like baseball, a lot can happen. Go Devils!

Remember, get your mammograms!

And, remember, the chubby middle aged lady who looks fine and is parking with a handicapped sticker may have an invisible disability such as Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis.  She may be having a good day, but still needs to park close to ease her walk, her joints, and in case a problem surprises her.

Don't judge, just smile instead.

Lupus Awareness!

Be well,


Sunday, October 9, 2005

Sunday 7 - Dawn Style

My Apologies to Patrick at Patrick's Place

He does this wonderful Sunday Seven each week but I cannot do it this week!  He wanted us to list 7 books we purchased and have sitting home on a shelf that have not been read.

I have no books on a shelf that have NOT been read.

Instead, I decided to list the following:

Seven Symptoms of LUPUS that you did not know about:

This is assuming that you do know the more common symptoms of fatigue, joint problems, kidney problems, lupus headache, sensitivity to sun, hairloss and skin rashes/hives.

1)     Seizures

2)    Osteoporosis

3)    Pericarditis, Myocarditis, Endocarditis
        (all problems with inflammation in the heart)

4)    Pleurisy, Pneumonitis, Lung Disease, Pulmonary Embolism
Pulmonary Hypertension (all serious lung problems)

5)    Anaemia,Thrombocytopaenia,Leukopaenia
        (blood diseases, from least to most serious)

6)    Liver Problems

7)    Gastrointestinal problems

I have given you all of these as links which will bring you to a specific description of the symptoms in Lupus. 

It is from a great site called The Lupus Site which will give much more in depth information on Lupus, its diagnosis and its symptoms.

I hope you learn something! 

Thank you for reading.

Be well,

Cloudy day...

Remember I mentioned my neighbor's construction last night?  About 15 minutes after I posted last nights entry my dog yelped at the back door.  Unusual at night, but sometimes we forget the last pee run of the night, so it does happen occasionally. 

I went to let her out and found that my neighbor and his construction men were outside.  That started the dog barking, unfortunately.

The worse part is that my poor neighbors had water flooding into their basement badly.  They were pumping out the mud pit and their basement all at the same time. 

I didn't mention before that they just had their first baby a while back, Baby G is now 7 months old.  The lights were on upstairs in the baby's room.  I guess it was a long tough night for everyone. 

I didn't get much sleep until after 3am when they seemed to be done with most of whatever they had to do.  I have been through construction before, and I know what it is like.  I said a few prayers for them last night!

Be well,


Saturday, October 8, 2005

Noah!!! Yes Lord????

Just a quick reminder to everyone that my entries are in purple for LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH!

I know, it is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month - something everyone should also be very aware and concerned about - men, too!

Fuzzy's football game for tomorrow has been cancelled.  Why you may ask?  In case you are not from the northeast, and you are not if you are asking...we are basically having Noah's Ark type weather.

Yup, torrential rain fall.

My town has received approximately 5 inches of rain.  In the last 12 hours.  Less than 5 miles south of here, they got 8 inches and the major highways are closed!!  And north of here by about 5 miles, also got 8 inches and they have no electricity, so we are happy with our little 5 inches and some water in the basement!

I mean, rain is good.  We were in drought status at the local resevoirs.  The problem is getting all the rain we missed since May in one day.  Too much, too quickly.

Oh, and the rain is not letting up.  It is predicted to be raining until next Saturday.  That is a bit scary.

Are any or you familiar with Bill Cosby's comic take on the Noah story?  If you are, then you will know what I mean when I say that I think Lord may start calling soon telling us to start getting our cubit measurements straight!

My poor next door neighbor just started construction on an addition to their house.  Thankfully, the house is not open to the rain, however, they were putting in a basement also for the addition.  It looks like a big 8x12 foot mud pit with 4 feet of muddy water in the bottom.  Ugh.  I truly hope it does not do any permanent damage!

The weather man said that at the end of all this rain we are supposed to have some beautiful fall weather with normal cool fall temperatures.  I really hope so, because that is the kind of autumn weather I love and my family enjoys!

It would also be nice if the rain tapered off enough to let the Yankees play. 

Be well,


Hello Hello

Hello my J-land friends!

Sorry I haven't been around for the last few days but I was sidelined with a cold.  Hammer gave it to me and got better, always the way, right?

The good news is the Red Sox are gone from the post-season.  (Sorry John!)  The bad news is that the Yankees aren't exactly on fire.  Hopefully, my boys in blue will get themselves together and win the next two games in order to meet up with the White Sox in Chi-town.

I will, as a die-hard Yankee fan, be rooting for them against the White Sox.  If the fates determine the White Sox to be victorious, then I will put all my enthusiasm and cheering behind them!

Of course, this is all a big "if" since the Yanks aren't even done with their Divisional Playoff yet!

Tomorrow, is football day in this house!  Fuzzy has a game and then we will watch the Giants and the Jets.  I cannot even believe that I am seeing Vinny Testeverde start as quarterback for the Jets again.  I feel like I am in a time warp!  LOL

It is rainy and windy and generally disgusting outside today.  I have heard a rumor that tomorrow will be better.  I hope so, because another day like this could make a person insane.  I need some sunshine to help me feel better!

Be well,


Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Giving Hammer the Spotlight

Someone mentioned to me that I don't write as much about my eldest son, Hammer.  It probably is true because there isn't always much to say since he is just so wonderful!  There is usually very little conflict or drama revolving around him.

I do have a kind of funny story from yesterday though! 

Hammer seemed to have the sniffles all day.  At first, I thought it was probably just allergies, but then as the day went on it seemed more like a cold.  He didn't complain at all, he never does.  That is also part of having Asperger's.  They don't really notice their own discomfort when it comes to pain or illness.  Yet, at the same time can be oversensitive to so many other things, ie; light, sound and touch.

Yesterday, was crazy at dinner time because Hammer and I had to hurry out to his Asperger's Group that he goes to each Tuesday, and Fuzzy had football practice.  Hubby was not making it home on time, and the crunch was on for grandpa to get Fuzzy to football, me to get Hammer to his group and grandma to watch Pumpkin Muffin at home.

One minute we were rushing through dinner, the next minute we were in the car, on the way to group.  The location of the group is probably only 12 miles away, but even with light traffic it takes about 20 minutes, as the only way to get there is a very busy highway.  We left about an hour early because his group starts at the end of rush hour - at 6:30 pm.

As we were driving, I noticed that poor Hammer was coughing more than I realized and blowing his nose quite a bit.  Just as we exited the highway for the back road portion of the drive, he told me he had a headache, and he was really feeling badly. He even asked to go home.  I pulled over, and sure enough, he felt a bit warm.

I called him out of group.

We turned around and headed back home, after stopping less than four blocks from our destination.

It was my fault that I drove to nowhere and back.  In the rush of everything, I should have taken a moment to concentrate on Hammer, and then have him concentrate on himself, to evaluate how he was feeling.

Upon arriving back home, I gave him some medicine for his congestion, and ibuprofen for the headache, and sent him to bed early, at 8pm.

I am happy to report that today, the cold is much better, and seems to be already subsiding, and Hammer has no headache.  He has always bounced back quickly!  He takes after his dad that way.

I know some of you have children or know children on the autism spectrum and can probably relate to this story! 

I would also like to share that over last week when I was really struggling with my Remicade after effects and the fall, that I was so glad that I homeschool my extraordinary Hammer.

Hammer was a wonderful nurse/caregiver.  He brought me coffee, food, and other drinks.  He brought me medicine.  He put icy/hot patches on my lower back.  He gave me foot rubs and hand massages.  He took care of the dog all day, so I could rest.

And, all the while did his school work, too.

Hammer will make someone a wonderful, loving husband someday, if they will only take the time to get to know him and have patience with his differences.  Of course, he will also have to drag himself away from the physics long enough to meet someone, but I think he will!

Be well,


Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Dawn is Google-ism!

Here is what you do: Go to Google and google your first name and the word is all in parenthesis - like this "Dawn is".  Then, post the results of the at least the first top 10 or more in your journal!

I listed three google pages worth and put my comments afterward in parenthesis and italics.  (like this)


Dawn is me!  (yes, I is!)
Dawn is a journal.  (no, I do keep one though!)
Dawn is breaking.
Dawn is sprinkling. 
Dawn is the time.
Dawn is a beam of light.   
(this one I like!)
Dawn is shareware.  
(be quiet Hadon)
Dawn is an excellent work.  
(why, thank you!)
Dawn is Romero's social commentary on the times.
Dawn is truly like Mary Ann.  (no, more like Ginger & Mrs.Howell rolled into one)
Dawn is a time of hope.
Dawn is the kind of 80's movie you will either love or hate.
Dawn is waking.
Dawn is a variant.   (now that is not nice!)
Dawn is white.   (no, I don't tan well, and can't due to lupus)
Dawn is a young wife.   (I wish, is almost 40 young?)
Dawn is a one-word summary.   (If only I could be that much!)
Dawn is the best solitaire game.
Dawn is a great example.  (Or a horrible warning...more likely!)
Dawn is the fourth ship.
Dawn is at its best.   (hmmmm, no...)
Dawn is a yawn.   (I am not that boring, am I?)
Dawn is mandatory.   (I wish!)
Dawn is as follows.
Dawn is not really her sister.   (I am an only!)
Dawn is the key.   (I must figure out... to what?)

Isn't that fun and quirky???

Now, you try.... go on... I am waiting!

Be well,

PS - Jodi did it too over at her journal see link below...but I saw it somewhere else first...can't remember where, duh!

Looking beyond the Cracked Window...


Baseball Playoffs Tonite!

Do you know who I am rooting for tonite?



Be well,



Lupus Awareness Month - October

October is Lupus Awareness month. 

My friend, Loretta, has an amazing journal with lots of information and links about Lupus.

Please visit her journal by clicking on her link in my journal section or clicking below here for her entry today!

WELCOME: It's Lupus Awareness Month...Are You Aware?

Be well,

PS - Purple is the color of Lupus Awareness, I am going to do all my entries in Purple, this one actually, for the rest of the month!


Monday, October 3, 2005

Doggie Kisses

Tonight, I was outside playing football with the kids and hubby while waiting for Fuzzy's friend to be picked up from his playdate.

One of my former teachers, and now a neighbor, walked up with her beautiful German Shepherd.  Much to my neighbor's dismay, he immediately jumped up to kiss me, and much to her dismay again, I laughed and let him, all the while rubbing the scruff of his neck.

He just passed his training as a therapy dog yesterday and definitely knows better, but as my former teacher said, "He knew you would let him and like it!"  Guilty as charged, yes, I would, and yes, I do!

My dog, Libby, has the same desire.  She loves to kiss, particularly on the face, but unfortunately, she thinks everyone will like it!  The truth is that it is about 50-50, or less.  Poor Libby, she really refuses to accept it. 

It is so funny, the differences.  Some people love nothing more than getting a big wet doggie kiss, wherever the doggie wants to kiss, and the face is just fine.  You can always spot them right away, they kneel for the dog usually, without fear, without hesitation.  They are the Pro-Doggie Kissers.

Many people have restrictions, like it is okay to have a doggie kiss on the hand, but that is it, no legs, and absolutely, no face.  I call them the Restricted Doggie Kissers.  They are usually the type to approach the dog more cautiously, I assume that most people fall into this category and try to keep Libby from getting them, and I warn them she likes to kiss and is completely harmless.

The Anti-Doggie Kisser is someone who has fear all over their face, and is very hesitant to come near you and your dog at all.  I find that they have usually been bit or just are not animal people at all.  They just have that stricken look, and then I know.

My mom is a completely Anti-Doggie kisser.  She does not like to be kissed or licked at all, ever.  My mom was bit on the face when she was a child.  Libby still tries to kiss her everyday.  Nothing like determination in a dog, huh?  She will be 4 years old in November and came to us the following February, and she still will not give up on the one person in the house that keeps dodging them.

By the way, my mom will probably leave a comment about the pictures, stating how she cannot believe I put a "gross" picture of the dog licking my leg online.  Different strokes, as the saying goes!

I have a cousin who loves dogs and animals of all types.  She will accept a lick on the hand, but that is it.  Strange for someone who has had many dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and more, at least I think it strange.  She also is absolutely grossed out by a dog licking a plate before it goes in the dishwasher.  Doesn't having a dog mean that no pre-wash is required for your dishwasher dishes?  Huh, I thought so.  I don't let her see it anymore, so far, so good.

I have no problem sharing my ice cream spoon with my cat or dog.  I have no problem with doggie kisses or kitty kisses any time, any where, anyone's pet!!

That is why they have soap and Purell for you to wash up with before you eat, right?

I was recently at my book club and the host had two adorable Boston Terriers.  One insisted on jumping into everyone's lap, at least once, and trying to kiss their face after they sat down.  There was about 12 of us that night, and I really found it hilarious watching all the various reactions, from shock to dismay to disgust to eating it right up!!!  Only about 3 of us really loved the dog and the kisses, the rest were varying stages of put-off and ready to run!!  I can't help but laugh at that... I know, not nice. LOL

I hope you enjoy the pictures above of my baby, Libby.  She is looking out the front window, scouring the neighborhood for squirrels, stray cats, and landscapers.  She rarely barks, if she does, I know that someone who does not belong, not one of our neighbors, is nearby.

She performs her watch standing on the bay window ledge as in the first picture, or as in the second picture, resting her chin on the ledge.  I love that.  She looks so cute!

Picture 3 is Libby in her usual position at my feet while I am online, given that the neighborhood is quiet and the kids are not home.  Except for Hammer, since I homeschool him, she is used to him working at the dining room table.

Pictures 4 and 5 are of my sweet girl giving me precious Doggy Kisses while I was reading journals earlier today.  Isn't she so cute!

I hope you enjoy my pictures and my entry, and I can't wait to hear in comments if you like Doggie Kisses or not!

Be well,

Sunday 7 #5

Take a look at your immediate surroundings.  Not counting your computer, printer, other hardware, software or cables, name seven non-computer things that are on your computer table. 

From:  Patrick's Place

Okay, 7 things by my computer...

1)     Lots of pictures of my kids, my nephew James, my dog an cat and cousin's kids.

2)     Burt' Bees Milk and Honey Body lotion in a small bottle that I use for my hands

3)     A box in the shape of a fish decorate with sequins that my Pumpkin Muffin made in summer crafts

4)     A book, Moving Forward, Keeping Still, The Gateway to Eastern Wisdom - A collection of Quotes

5)     A five dollar bill, change from Pumpkin's piano lesson that I have not put into my purse yet

6)     My NY Yankees cup with water in it and a straw

7)     A whistle on a key ringthat took away from one of the kids when they decided to blow it continuously at their friends the other day


That was fun!

Be well,

The Sleep Over that Wasn't

Now, I know darn well that as a mom, I am supposed to be instilling confidence and independence in my children, enabling them to spread their wings and fly away from the nest.


But hey, they are only 13, 10, and 8, I do have some time here, right? Right.  So, I won't feel guilty...

Friday night, Fuzzy (age 10) tried a sleep-over at his friend's house.  He had never attempted a sleep-over at B's, and he said he really wanted to try.  We have had a few failed attempts at other houses, but he wanted to try again, and B had slept by us over the summer, so off he went.

The phone rang at 5 minutes after midnight.  Fuzzy said, "Mom, my stomach hurts, (not), I can't sleep, can you come get me?"  I replied, "On my way!".

I sent the hubby out for the actual retrieval.

Fuzzy collapsed into my arms upon arrival back at home.  We headed into my bedroom, and he then started telling me everything about the evening, all the fun they had.  I was happy, he had a great time!  Then, he said, it was time to try to sleep, and he just couldn't and wanted to come home.

I assured him that this was fine and it doesn't really matter to his friends (it doesn't), and he should maybe consider punting on the whole sleepover thing for a while, like a year or so.  Fuzzy agreed, rolled over and went to sleep.

I layed there listening to his breathing for a while.  I can still tell the exact moment when he falls into deep slumber, just like when he was a baby. 

Was that really some 9-10 odd years ago?  In a blink of an eye, here we are at age 10 1/2.

Is it wrong, to feel so happy that my baby wanted to come back home?  Is it wrong to be glad that he still needs his mommy so?  I hope not. 

I know that the day will come when he will leave and not return.  I know, that the day will come, and it will be far too soon for me.  It will happen with all three of them.  I know it.  A small part of me dreads it... <sigh>

So, I layed there, looking at this 10 year old man-child, and know that time waits for no one, and that it truly is okay for me to quietly enjoy his need to come home.  His need for mommy.

He will always have a safe haven wherever I am.

I am mommy.

Be well,