Thursday, May 11, 2006

Pffft....

On a good day... you wake up and you feel like the little dog.

On a bad day... you wake up and you feel like the big dog.

Today, I am that big dog.

Just getting screwed again.

Apparently, my flare is not over.  Oh no.  It is back with a vengeance today, and wielding a battle axe over my life. 

I hurt and I am exhausted.  I am swollen in several places but the worst part is walking through the pea soup world of fatigue... the world I want is out there, but I can barely see it, feel it or touch it.

Today, Fuzzy went back to school.  His car pool buddy, our neighbor's daughter, reminded him that it was Book Fair day.  I ran inside and gave him the last $15 I had in my wallet. 

And, then it hit me.  Oh crap.  I am supposed to 'work' it as a volunteer.  Oh crap. 

I am in no shape to do that.  I can barely close my hands, my knee is swollen and I am barely functional.  I was pushing myself through the morning routine knowing that bed waited for me after Mom's taxi returned from the school run.

While listening the morning banter between the kids and giving my son the usual instructions after an asthma episode, 'Go to the nurse for a treatment' yada yada, I was running it through my head.

At school, Fuzzy was gathering his books when I told him I probably was not going to make it to the Book Fair.  He burst into tears and begged me to try - my heart just broke, and I agreed to try, that I would be there. 

He said, 'It's okay Mom.' as he left.

I went home and took my meds.  I drank 2 cups of coffee.  I got dressed.  All of that took longer than it would take a normal person, I had to restin between each thing.  I plopped down at the kitchen table and realized, I was a mess and really needed to just lay down.

I called my hubby for a happy word or two but he was in a meeting and couldn't talk.   

So, back to bed I went defeated, in tears, and alone. 

Well, not really alone, Hammer was home, still sleeping, but he would be up soon to do his schoolwork.

Later, when Hubby and I talked, he and I discussed that my dear Fuzzy would probably come home and cry and be angry with me. 

Who could blame him?  I was angry too...  Hubby said deflect him and he would deal with it when he got home.

Fuzzy came home but was just sad.  He told me he missed me but he knew it wasn't my fault, and that he hated the RA, but loved me.

Basically, if my heart wasn't ripped out earlier, it was now.

I am the luckiest mom in the world. 

Be well,
Dawn

 

16 comments:

lurkynat said...

Dearest Dawn,
((((((Dawn)))))))
Dawn we love you so!
You are the Best mom,wife  and friend!
love,nat

thebaabee said...

My Dear Sweet Friend,
I am so sorry stupid RA is being horrid to you.  You are a great Mommy.  But, I do know how you feel.  I've felt like you so many times. Your children understand and it makes them better for that.   I'm praying your flare flies the coup very soon.  Gentle hugs, Lu

lrttklly said...

Yep, you are a very lucky Mom.
Fuzzy is a sweet kid.
I am praying that your flare vaporates quickly.
:)
Loretta
http://journals.aol.com/lrttklly/LupusLeftovers

jckfrstross said...

ok i said enough !!!!!! do you think the flare is listening:) sorry you couldn't make it to the book fair but there will be others. Rest and take care of you ok i worry you overdue it sometimes don't push ok:) please let me know if i can help in anyway ok

Deb

klconard1 said...

Bless your Fuzzy's sweet heart, what a blessing he is!  (((((((Dawn)))))))) prayers ongoing that this flare will burn itself out soon, dear.
loving you
karyl

cdittric77 said...

As wonderful as your children are, don't forget they are a reflection of those who raise them :).

Be well,
Charley
http://journals.aol.com/cdittric77/courage

dornbrau said...

I have noticed that children often seem not to understand adult limitations, especially phyical or financial ones.  Notice how I said 'seem not to understand'.  The power of reasoning and the depth of compassion in those little hearts and minds are immeasurable.  Do not feel bad about letting them down, feel pride for their ability to understand.  You have set a great example and it is being put to play.  You've done good.  And yes, you are a very very lucky mom!

xomywayox said...

I have to second what Dorn wrote. I'm sure you feel sad about it. But there will other book fairs and days to show your heart to that sweet child.

Brenda

sdoscher458 said...

Honey, you've raised your kids well...they do know compassion. When my older two were little I was raising them alone, working, struggling I had to tell them no so many times it hurt. But if I had said yes all the time, I would of lost my job, my mortgaged home all for a few brief moments of "feel good time".  Don't get me wrong, I went to the important things and loved them like no tomorrow. As adults they do not remember that I didn't make a 5th grade play but they do remember that we had food on the table, a roof over our heads and plenty of love to go with it.  You have a special circumstance that makes the efforts that you do for your children all the more loving.  You are giving of yourself - till it hurts.  Please don't feel worse for not being able to do it all - all the time.  Take care....Sandi

artloner said...

Oh Honey...that just SUCKS.

I think you are doing GREAT, for what it's worth.  Some sick moms wouldn't even TRY, nor care if their kids were upset about it.

xoxoxo,
andi

ps: next time you don't have any of your support people nearby, CALL ME.  (check your email for the #)

sugarsweet056 said...

We have something in common...I have flares too. Mine are from Trigeminal Neuralgia, a rare disorder re the major nerves in the face.
Hugs, SUGAR

sangrialel said...

That picture is hilarious!!!  Linda

madmanadhd said...

A happy and blessed Mother's Day to the sweetest, most dedicated and loved mom. Here's wishing those damn flare-ups will flare down!! I still can hear my dad screaming in anguish as he'd get out of bed in the morn.
Wishing you well. I can definetly relate to the big dog these days.... BIG TIME. Sometimes life just sucks eggs.
Michael

sazzylilsmartazz said...

Huggles Dawn,
You are certainly a lucky mom with a lucky family to boot!
Dianna

sazzylilsmartazz said...

Huggles Dawn,
You are certainly a lucky mom with a lucky family to boot!
Dianna

helmswondermom said...

I've been enjoying checking out your journal.  I really appreciated this entry.  I know how it feels to have to disappoint your child through no real fault of your own; illness or something coming up that keeps you from being there.  It really hurts, but then they let you know that they love you anyway.  And I'm sure that the times you're there far outnumber the times you can't be.
Lori