So, here we are, Monday.
Remember when I had all that energy and was feeling good before Christmas? Yeah, that was great. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than right now.
Today, I had to literally psyche myself to get motivated to take a shower.
Yesterday, I didn't want to shower because of the Enbrel injection site reaction. It was so hot and inflammed; I didn't want to aggravate it.
I hate feeling like this. I am revisiting the 'anger' stage of dealing with a chronic illness again. Today, I want to spit nails. Yesterday, too.
My Hubby had the gall to complain about doing something (I am being facetious here), and all I could think, actually scream inside my head was "HOW DARE YOU COMPLAIN! EVERYTHING IS SO EASY FOR YOU! AND, YOU HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA HOW LUCKY THAT MAKES YOU!"
Yeah. Today is the same. I bet lots of you got up today, maybe you had an ache or two or three, but it didn't stop you in your tracks. You got into your shower, did your hair, put on your make-up, and went to work. Or maybe you got your kids to school first, too.
You just did it. No thought, no plan of attack, no pausing to rest in between each step. No running your hands under cold water.
I got up at 7ish, hit the snooze from 6:50 until 7:10 so I could get my left leg/ankle/foot moving because it seemed to be frozen in place. I woke the 2 kids that go to school, limped away from them to the bathroom. Thank heavens for the counter next to the toilet for balance and leverage sitting down, and getting up.
Woke the kids again. Hobbled to kitchen, where I started a cup of coffee, and got out the ham to make a sandwich for Fuzzy. Made Fuzzy's sandwich, packed the rest of the lunch up; drinks and snacks; hobbling a bit less. Ran my hands under the cold water to help stop the aching, burning sensation from making the sandwich etc.
Sat down with coffee in kitchen. Hugged Pumpkin, who was not happy to be up for Monday morning either. Hugged Fuzzy who took his drink and pop tart and went to watch tv. I guess I forgot to mention getting the kids drinks before the sandwich making. Pouring the gallon sized Ice tea container hurts, like a b#tch in the morning.
Rest for a bit while talking to Pumpkin and while they dress. Now, out to the car to drive them. Putting on the pull over is annoying, but I can't find my zipper fleece jacket that I usually wear in the winter, which makes one step a little easier.
I drive them to school and myself home, all the while cursing my right ankle/foot silently in my head because they are sore, too. And, gripping the steering wheel, not fun. So, I try to do it as lightly as possible.
Once home I relax for a few minutes, checking email, and then head back to bed.
After I get back up, and waiting for my meds to kick in, I check some more emails and drink 2 cups of coffee, and mentally psyche myself up for my shower. I actually sit there and tell myself all the good things about taking the shower, and try to ignore all the bad.
So, I get in there, and the water does feel good. It is painful to wash and condition my hair, but I push through. Can't shave the legs because bending irritates the injection site reaction, and I don't want to aggravate that at all. I am hoping the hot water doesn't make it worse either.
Get out of shower (thank God for the handle/bar thingy). Dry off, and now time for the blow drier. It always feels like a thousand pounds at this point. Dry hair halfway, as that is all I can do. Get dressed.
Sit down at the computer. Rest. Yes, I have to rest after all that. Most people feel invigorated and bounce out of their shower. Not me. <sigh>
Some of you out there with chronic illness will understand. Some of you may remember an acute illness that you had to deal with once, or for a time, that you felt this way. This is all the time for me. Sometimes a little better, sometimes a lot worse. Sometimes, I am fighting tears in the morning, not wanting to upset the kids. Sometimes the shower never happens.
That is why I am in my 'angry' phase again. Doesn't seem fair does it? Frustrating, too.