Tuesday, July 18, 2006

For Paul and To Clarify

Paul's comment follows:

<<< I dropped into our local "Country Style" donut shop and tried one of their Polar Toffee Iced Cappucinos the other day. Quite yummy, I must say, previous comments on the topic aside.
  I don't know enough about your daily routine to comment, Dawn. Do you get out and about in the car at all on a day to day basis? Where is the nearest Dunkin Donuts in relation to your home, and your hubby's office? Is there a drive through ATM near you? Does D'n'D have a drive through? What is your husband's view of the situation? Have you asked him? If you asked him, would he answer honestly?
  There are some times that I think my wife asks me to do something, not because she needs me to do that specific thing, but because she feels that I am not doing enough, and wants to send me a message. Is your request to your husband as simple as it's more convenient for him to get the coffees, or is it a veiled message to your husband that you need him to do more for you, whatever that more entails? One of the problems we have in the "battle" of the sexes, is the fact that we speak different languages, men and women. We understand the unspoken messages of other guys, and you understand the unspoken messages of other women, but when we talk to each other, we only hear what is said, not always what is meant. Learning to say exactly what we mean can sometimes be very difficult.

Comment from plittle - 7/18/06 12:29 PM >>

This begs further commentary from me.

I don't always have the car, sometimes I do.  Even on days I do, unless I drive a kid somewhere, or go to the town pool, I rarely go out. 

Today, for instance, I did go out.  The kids and I had lunch at Burger King, we usually do that once a week.  Now, the car will sit the rest of the day.

There is no veiled message of intent. 

Here are thefacts... I have a chronic disease, that I push through each and every day.  I have chronic fatigue and daily pain, that makes my life a trial. 

I do not wish for pity or to whine about these things, but nonetheless, they are there.

In fact, today my left long finger is splinted, swollen and painful.

During the day, the kids are out and about in the neighborhood, and I am 'home base'.  I will not leave them to go get coffee, nor would my husband want me to do so.

By the end of the day, I am usually pushed to my limits, tired and in more pain.  Chronic pain wears you down as the day goes on.  I could take the pain pills, but I don't like to do so because of the kids. 

I have difficulty holding things in my hands, like a tray of coffees, and problems with balance, thanks to the RA and Lupus.

So, no big mystery.   I use the caffeine in the coffee as a natural drug to counteract my fatigue during the day.  It works for me, most of the time. 

I am not asking him to do it as some Mars/Venus dance of idiocy, a 'Battle of the Sexes' thing. 

I just need the coffees and really enjoy them.

The Dunkin Donuts is not a drive thru, unfortunately, we don't have many of those around.  These are older DD's, that have been around since long before the 'drive-thru' was used.  The DD is about 1/2 mile from our house.  It takes 10 minutes roundtrip for hubby to do this at night, less, if he does it on the way home from work, as the DD is on the way.

Yes, I have discussed it with my hubby and he behaves for a few times and then, resumes whining again.  It sucks. 

To me, this seems like such a small thing for my healthy and happy hubby to do.

I hope airing this all out and having him READ it instead of HEAR it, helps.

Thanks for asking, Paul.  Really.  I think it will  help.

be well,



lv2trnscrb said...

Dawn, thanks for clarifying it for those that might not understand dealing with a condition like yours and the chronic pain you are in, how this affects your functioning and how a simple thing we, who are not in chronic pain, take for granted. I want a cup of coffee from Starbucks, I walk to it --now that we moved, there's one just about four blocks away, not good - or I get into my van effortlessly (most days) and I'm on my way to a good cup of coffee. For you, it takes much effort to do most of your activities of daily living and I can understand how frustrating it must be to have your dear husband whine so much about something that is easier for him to accomplish than you. If you asked him to drive fifty miles out of the way for it, I can see where he might be a touch "put off". I think you are being reasonable in what you are asking and I'm hoping your dear husband will come to his senses and help you out with this rather than whine about it.


plittle said...

  Well stated. I know your husband understands your difficulties, but maybe because you bear everything stoically and soldier on he has become somewhat complacent. Sometimes we can intellectually understand something, and still not *get* it, if you know what I mean. I'm sure when he reads this he will be reminded of how much you need his support, even though you may not show it outwardly. Something as small as running out to get a few iced coffees every few days can be extremely helpful, not so much physically as emotionally. Just a small effort can show more support and understanding than all the talk in the world.
  One idea to consider is to try and make it into a regular routine. Perhaps he can stop in to D'n'Ds on his way home from work every Monday and Friday as a regular thing. Incorporating things into a daily routine serves to make them less noticeable as an inconvenience.
  Here's another thought. Maybe his irritability at being asked to go out and get them is because he is inwardly embarrassed that he forgot to stop on the way home. Sometimes we externalize our personal discomfort in funny ways. I tend to make jokes when I am uncomfortable (which really pisses off those who are upset with me, I can tell you). I hope you work things out.

lurkynat said...

dear Dawn,
sigh..um I hope you work it out too

stevietwain said...

This is a kinda sucky comment to make as it's so easy to say, but my heart goes out to ya hun, it REALLY does.

I hope it eases off some.



wfhbear said...

Yoou know, you are right. I think you should get DD coffee and a couple of Old Fashioned donuts to go with the coffee. I do agree with you and hope that some arrangement can be met that will get you your coffee without a lot of irritation. For me? I just wish I could get a cup of DD once in a while. Regards, Bill.

eml625 said...

I wish  I could bring you some coffee !! I'd hang out and drink some too!

coelha said...

If I lived close, I would drive by and bring you your DD fix!  :)  That coffee sure sounds delicious!  All of this reminds me of a friend I "once had" who had a naughty internet affair with a owner of a Dunkin' Donuts...  She just could not understand why he wouldn't leave the business for her..  Now I understand..  
I hope your finger gets better soon!  Julie :)

daddyleer said...

Please excuse me just dropping in. As a caregiver spouse I found this entry intriguing. MS progression resolved any questions about errands for us. I wish you continued independence. Your husband is a lucky man.

madmanadhd said...

Hmm.... I see alot of me in your hubby's behavior. Sometimes, I can't even explain why I can be a total jerk and whiner to my wife. In part I know it's my own frustration with myself for not thinking of IT (whatever my love has aksed me to do) myself. It's like an affermation that I really am NOT as loving and sensitive as I think I am. It's so convuluted I'm embarrassed to say so. I hope this thing works itself out and a regular routine can be worked out. I do best with routines... like getting up at 6:30 to get to the coffe shop to write. But what sets me off is something that takes me outside my routine... it's as if my whole day is screwed... that's only in my convultued mind. Then the tantrum begins...

See? And you thought your hubby was a pain sometimes.

Wishing you a pain free, engergizing day... and then more.

Be well... laugh often... play hard