Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Ever the Same

Have you ever noticed that as much as things are different, they stay the same? 

I have certain discussions it seems over and over with my Hubby and I just don't get why. 

I have rheumatoid arthritis and lupus.  Some things just are.  This affects my ability to do some things.  I do not like having to address the topic of my shortcomings over and over again.  Yet, somehow, we do. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have spoken the words, 'You seem to forget about the RA and Lupus.' and it isn't always to my Hubby, but it does seem to be to him a lot recently.

One of the more unpleasant aspects of these two lovely chronic diseases is what we call 'brain fog'.  It sucks.  Sometimes I do stupid things.

Monday, while helping Fuzzy on and off with a report, I also ran to the car to grab some cd's that Hammer specifically wanted uploaded to itunes.  I had just figured out how to do it, and was happy to oblige him.

Stupidly, in the rush, I left the car turned to the 'on' position with the keys in the ignition.

You guessed it.  Battery dead.  Which we found out as Hubby jumped into the car to run off to a leader's Boy Scout meeting. 

Yeah, I did it.  I don't even remember doing it.  Big duh on my part.  However, I did NOT do it on purpose or to ruin anyone's night.

After a car jump and about 15 minutes, Hubby was off.

I was left behind feeling like an idiot. 

Sure, he came home and apologized, and told all the kids he was wrong to make such a big deal out of it, yada yada... but still, it hurts.  Still.

And, it sucks to be reminded that I am not the same person I used to be.  Who never had to make lists, who never got confused, who never screwed up big stuff and little stuff in big and little ways. 

Anyhow, I have rheumatoid arthritis and lupus and I can't forget it.  Not even for a minute.  For even on the best days, of which I have been having many lately, things are not the same.

Never the same.

be well,
Dawn

27 comments:

luddie343 said...

I liked the dichotomy in starting with how things always stay the same, then ending with how they can never really be the same, and making good examples of why.  Thinking about what you endure can make one ashamed to complain, yet I know you see your life as the gift it is, that's why you share it all - and happy are we who get to listen in.... xoxo CATHY

coelha said...

Dawn, you won't believe this, but I did the same exact thing Monday.  My husband was in the garage, and suddenly he realized that the van was making a buzzing noise.  We didn't know where it was coming from at first, and then my husband told me that I left the keys in the ignition!  I felt really stupid too.  I don't have what you have, but, I do get brain fog on occasion.  I just blame it on my kids.  LOL  :)  Julie

lv2trnscrb said...

((((Dawn)))))

I'm so sorry; sending you a big cyber hug

men are just incredibly slow to remember things sometimes despite how many times we tell them; gotta love them somehow though

betty

cherry2sweet2eat said...

hugs and kisses sweety!!

eml625 said...

Sending you some Cyber love and hugs !!!

Ellen

sugarsweet056 said...

Just came by to say hi, also leaving you with a big hug.
Sugar

martygord said...

Hi Dawn,
It's not right to make a big deal out of something like that ... we're all only human.
Best,
Marty

sangrialel said...

Oh Dawn I am so sorry that you are feeling hurt.  That feeling sucks.  Big hugs to you!  Linda

wwfbison said...

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, hey, you said it...we all make mistakes.  I'm sure hubby was just having a bad day and didn't mean to make such an issue of it.  I have to remind Doug (many times) I am older than him and work like a farm hand & keep the house clean when he is all hepped up to go and do "exciting & adventurous" things while I am dog tired from working all day.  I don't know that men forget....they just don't think sometimes.  
Lisa

astoriasand said...

Awwwww heres a big hug for you.I tell you I do these things and I don't even have your complaint Dawn.It does hurt I know,please know you are in my prayers and you are a special person no matter what anyone thinks in my eyes.Keep smiling.Hope the children and Mom and Dad are well.Take Care God Bless Kath astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) I think Doc and your hubby could use some more lessons on compassion and patience. I get where your coming from hon. I don't know how many times I've walked away from the sink and left the water running...you don't hear it and forget it's on. Or when I turn the stove on it has that clicking sound until it catches (we have a gas stove), even after it catches if I want the burner on high I don't realize it's still clicking and it drives Doc nuts. It's not so much I forget or don't realize because I can't hear it, it's the look they give you...the one that makes you feel like a complete idiot without a brain. I do get where your coming from hon, hang in there. SSDD...(Hugs) Indigo

glensfork4 said...

Maybe he just had a bad day & was rushed, although that is no excuse.....sometimes you just unintentionally hurt the ones closest to you.

(((HUGS)))

Michele

deshelestraci said...

Big hugs!  After reading Mary Jo and her journey and then reading the daily stuff that you go through I'm feeling blessed.  I wish there was a way to make it all better.  
Big hug for your hubby too.
Traci

chat2missie said...

Chiari causes the same problems with my son.  One being the brain fog.  We still have to remind our family members too, that just because Brandon looks fine, he's not.
Missie

justplainbill said...

Dawn, all husbands are like that. Yesterday my wife tripped on the extension cord for the stand alone freezer in the garage. Needless to say I did not respond very well when she screamed at me at 9 PM and I was stuck with the clean up and draining and restoring the thing to working order. I am sure you are like my wife and never react when your husband does something stupid.
Men are different, in case you haven't noticed, and often say and do things we houldn't do.
It is easy to forget other's problems when they cope with then so well that we don't realize what they are putting up with.
As I always say "Give me (him) a break.
Another hug for you and have a nice weekend. Bill

mleighin21st said...

In our busy lives, it is easy to forget an invisible disability, saying things that hurt when that's not the intention at all.  The word human is equivilant to fallible.  The brain fog happens to healthy folks, too, just be in a hurry and have your mind on something else when you're putting up the car's electric windows and poof-same effect.
                                      {{{DAWN}}}                                 Leigh

  http://journals.aol.com/mleighin21st/iwasthinking.../

cacklinrosie101 said...

Aw, Dawn, people get upset, say things they regret...we all do stupid things even without disabilities.  I suffer from tons of brain fog.  I locked my keys in the house last week on my way to work.  I couldn't get in the house or in my car.  I had to call my BF to climb on the roof and in my son's bedroom window.  Luckily it was open.  It's hard to accept that things are so much different than before.  Hugs Chris

sunnyside46 said...

I feel bad for both of you in that situation.
Brain fog comes to us all.
I have felt like killing my husband a lot too lately.
But I haven't
Love
Marti

helmswondermom said...

Even though I already your next entry, I actually teared up a bit reading this.  I don't have lupus or RA, but I have had so many days like that more often lately where I do some really stupid, "brain-foggy" stuff, and I feel stupid enough on my own without having anyone pointing it out to me.  It seems I especially live in a brain-fog when I'm on my period.  A friend of mine called it "retaining water on the brain", and I've never forgot that.  As for hubby, well, he's a man.  The fact that he apologized to you and made it right in front of the kids shows that basically he's a really good, decent man.  You hang in there!
Lori

jckfrstross said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dawn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Deb

ksgal3133 said...

So many hugs and prayers!

Gretchen

plittle said...

OK, I haven't read anyone else's comments, so I may be duplicating what others have said, but here goes...

Don't blame the car battery thing on the Lupus/RSA. Don't pile things up that make you different from other people. 'Cause you ain't. Everyone has brain-cramp moments. I've had a dead battery due to my own stupidity before. Or run out of gas - hell, I ran out of gas in my own driveway once. And last time I checked, I don't have Lupus or RSA. We all have busy lives and are trying to run six different directions at once most of the time. Goofs like that happen, to us all. Don't beat yourself up over it.

The Lupus/RSA throws up enough roadblocks to complicate your day. Don't erect any more in your head.

Also, kudos to hubby for apologising later, and especially for speaking to the kids about it.
-Paul

sdoscher458 said...

(((Dawn))) it's hard.  My Mom once told me that wives are like safety valves for guys...they can blow off steam at us and not the rest of the world, saving themselves from getting kicked in the butt by the outside world. Mine is that way too...something huge can happen and he's calm as ice...a little, itty bitty stupid thing and you would think the world was ending. Apologies are good though..makes them humble. Lol. Hang in there...love, Sandi

ukgal36 said...

{{{dawn}}}
I don't have anythihng and i do that kinda stuf...:-P
Lyn

ekgillen said...

((((HUGS)))) my friend!!!
Gillie

donejustwrite said...

Dawn, I do stuff like that and DON'T have RA or Lupus.  It is what it is.  It just is.

sunnybethe said...

I love that tag...Some Disabilities are Invisible.  So many people tell me...OH, you look so healthy.  Yes, the prednisone gives that nice round look & pink cheeks. And I have a double whammy with the Lupus "Brain fog" &  "Fibro Fog" I know ho w you feel,  I feel like a real loser sometimes : /  hugs,  Bethe