Here is the thing....
I am feeling immature, ungrateful and stupid, because of how I am feeling! There are many who are less blessed and more ill than I am, so how dare I be so self-absorbed.
I am pissed off at the world. I am fed up with this rotten disease. My father is better than I am, 9 days after an angioplasty and insertion of 2 stents. He is fine. Back to normal, actually, better - because the worse blockages are freed up and he feels GREAT. At 65.
Do you have any idea how inadequate I feel having him run circles around me? I am not even 40 yet! I am ONLY 39.
I feel awful. I am in a huge flare. My hands and left wrist are messed up. My left knee keeps seizing up when I set still too long and when I sleep. My feet are sore and throbbing. My left ankle is clicking and hurting. I am in a fog of fatigue and very angry about it.
I am more depressed than I deserve to be. I have not called back people who are calling me...because I just don't have the energy to deal with anyone.
I just wish this disease had an end in sight, but like all chronic illness, it does not.
So, I ride the roller coaster of grief, denial, anger, depression, acceptance. And, I have to keep riding it over and over and over.
I am mad that hubby is completely blind to how awful I am feeling. I tried to talk to him the other night and he fell asleep on me. He knows something is wrong...but really has not tried to find out. He knows that I am sore, but he'd rather watch me pretending than know much more and I am angry about that too. On the other hand, at least he can avoid and deny it. Good for him.
I feel bad for my husband and kids that they have been saddled with such a horrible burden. How am I supposed to raise my kids when I have to push myself to get up and get dressed and then I feel like crap after I do?? How?
I just want to scream and scream and scream. And scream some more.
That is basically it in a nutshell. I am mad and depressed all at the same time. I have no right to be. I have a blessed life. And it does no good, raging at the world. I will still have this shitty disease and will still be a lump at 39.