Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Has anyone seen my sanity?

If you have, can you send out a homing beacon for me to follow?

All of these past few weeks, in fact, basically the past few months of the new year, have taken their toll on me.

<sigh>

My body has been under a continual assault of tingling, burning, numbness, weakness, fatigue, and pain.  I have had bronchitis and colds.  Stomach viruses, too.

The kids have been sick or injured it seems, or my parents, or my Hubby, one after the other, after the other. 

And, just when I thought the Menopause Fairy had actually come and gone, I got a very rude April Fool's Day surprise of finding out that I was just on a FOUR MONTH long PAUSE not menopause.  Dang peri-menopause... another cruel joke of Mother Nature. 

(sorry about the TMI, boys....)

<sigh>

Something has to give right?  So, it seems it is my sanity that is bearing the brunt. 

How is that, you say?  Well, I seem to cry at the drop of a hat, of late.  Quite annoying.  And, I seem to have some anxiety about what most would call simple things.  Driving somewhere far from home, and what not.  As long as I am in my little 5 mile square area, on my back roads, preferrably, I am good. 

Much more than that, and I really dislike it.  I can force myself to do it... but it isn't easy.

Maybe it is because of the comforts I crave due to being chronically in pain, I don't know. 

Maybe it is because I really don't like being in the car, in an alert driving state very long, because the tension adds more to the pain.  I don't know.

<sigh>

Tomorrow, I am doing a focus group, I can't mention specifics, but this is when you try out a product and then chat about it for a while in a controlled setting for the maker of the product to test it etc. 

The cool part is you get paid, and this one, I will get a whopping $120, which is more than most.  They are usually about $75.

At first, I was so excited to be going and doing this.

Now, today, I am not.  I am already starting the mental game I have to play with myself to psyche myself up to do things that I don't want to do. 

At least, the money at the end is a nice treat to use as a carrot for myself. 

Isn't that awful though?  It just seems so pathetic and wrong at 41 years old, to feel this way about spending two hours out chit chatting about a product. 

I am already hoping the chairs will be comfortable and they will have water out to drink on the table.  (They ususally do have water) 

Sometimes, they overbook and then let a few people leave and pay you just for showing up... so sad that I hope it will happen to me this time.

I sound like a cranky old lady, don't I?

<sigh>

Here is another cranky old lady comment, 'Youth is wasted on the young' and 'If I only knew then, what I know now'. 

Seriously.

Well, I can't let the kids down, they think I am going to be so influential with this product testing that maybe I will get my name on it!  LOL  How cute!!!  Not gonna happen, but very cute!

be well,
Dawn

20 comments:

toonguykc said...

Mary has told me that truly insane people don't think they are insane.  I hang on to that when things seem out-of-control.  Still -- a mental meltdown would be a nice little vacation once in awhile.  

Russ

pharmolo said...

Not funny, Dawn - hope you feel a bit better soon.

rdautumnsage said...

Someone once told me, when I feared the outside world because of my deafness. When your deaf you crave your little world, your cocoon so to say. It's your safety net. I believe that can be applied to you right now. You have had a lot of stress lately and have been in constant pain. Not to mention the worry of the results of your MRI's no wonder you want to remain in your cocoon. I believe in your situation anyone would. Your world right now is a safety net. I don't see you remaining within that radius for long, you just need a break, mentally and physically. You are too outgoing to say your already old. I told a friend of mine recently who was complaining he felt old. "We all dance to the drummer in our lives, perhaps your not getting old just satisfied with the steps you have taken in this dance. You no longer feel you need to prove yourself." Keeping you in my prayers on the smoke. (((Hugs))) Indigo

tenyearnap said...

So when I see an ad for The Amazing Dawn-O-Matic, I'll know it was named after you. Sorry about the anxiety and pain. I wish I could do more than sympathize! --Cin

hsauls said...

*hugs*
Sorry you're not feeling well...
heather

madmanadhd said...

YOU a cranky old lady?! HA!! Pleeeeeze... out of sorts, sick of pain & family issues & winter intruding on spring (didn't I read that your area might step back into winter?). Not to mention the mini-pause thingy. Glad you aint having a mental paws... I mean you is still writing, venting, and postulating. Like Dennis Miller said, "I rant, therefore I am".
I'll be scanning the buisness news for newest Dawn product... I mean they did name Dawn after you right? Sure it may not be the most flattering thing to have a dis detergent named after ya but hell it's  much better that having Dawn Toilet Paper. OK no more wise cracks about that stuff.

Thnaks for stopping by. By the way most excellent tagging action going on here. Your doings? Love the little "dancing ants" going on in the pink bunny sign.. I could like fixate on that for awhile until my sanity meets yours and invites us to join the party.

Did someone say PARTY?!! Gotta go.

Michael
http://journals.aol.com/madmanadhd/ConfessionsofaMadmanInsightsinto/entries/2007/04/04/spring-back-winter-ahead/1499

klconard1 said...

As I read this entry I found myself thinking, "If only I knew now what I knew five minutes ago lol"  Unfortunately that is the stage of life I am getting to at 58 lol.  Ack --- sorry the peri-fairy has paid you a visit dear.  It will fade away some day.
loving you
karyl

eml625 said...

(((((((DAWN)))))))))

I'm sorry for this rough patch so far this year.
I pray things ease up for you and your family.
Big hugs,
Ellen

coelha said...

(((Dawn))))  Damn Mother Nature..  It never seems fair that men don't have to go through the same things we have to...  I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well.  The beginning of this year was pretty twisty and turvy for me and the family as well.  I'm hoping that things get better for you, and that they give you your cool $120 and let you out early with a bottle of water.  Buy something for yourself with it!  Julie :)  

lindaggeorge said...

Dawn,

I don't have your health problems but I find it difficult  to go further than the City boundaries. I'm quite capable of doing it and will drive, on my own the the opposite ends of this small country of ours but what I like best is being at home. I often say I'm ill to avoid going to things we've been invited to, which originally I thought I wanted to go to but as the time approaches, I just don't want to go. So maybe your feelings aren't just down to your illness.


Linda x.

cherry2sweet2eat said...

Dawn im so sorry your going through it your a tuff woman hang in there.

psychfun said...

oh man I like that bottom bunny too! Wow!

cacklinrosie101 said...

Dawn, you know with all the fussing I do about my computer, I've finally gotten a grip.  These things (pc's) are replaceable and not that big of a deal in the scheme of things compared to chronic health problems.  I read journals and came to that conclusion.  I pray that you get a break with your pain.  The menopausal thing....blah...I bet any money the anxiety is coming from hormonal swings.  You are far from cranky...lol....this is coming from an extremely cranky 53 year old.  Big hugs...Chris

iamtish0726 said...

Dawn I am so sorry.  However what is sanity?  Do we have that?  I don't.  Just know that when you are crying, think that you are losing your mind, fear driving I am there with you.  I even lost my car in the parking lot and starting crying big time.  I drive a bright green old model Volvo.  How can you lose that?  Well, I did.  Thanks for having an off day.  Aren't I just the sweetest?  I love it when people are human.  Hugs - Tish

ksgal3133 said...

(((Dawn)))
There are days when so many things get thrown at you, it's hard to find your sanity. We're all here for you to keep you sane :) Take it one day at a time.
Prayers and hugs!
Gretchen

deshelestraci said...

I really feel for you and all of the pain you are in.  I can't imagine.  You are not whiney.  Or old lady!  Just a normal person having to deal with abnormal circumstances!
Traci

randlprysock said...

So sorry you aren't feeling well and I hope you make it through the focus group.  I would love to try out a product and comment on it.  How could I contact someone here in Kentucky (Louisville area) for doing that?  That is good money for two hours!!  Hugs,
Lisa

gazker said...

I hope when Spring FINALY arrives, that you will start to feel better, It's weird how everyone falls prey to all those bugs and stuff winter brings on and when Spring comes, we all start to feel better.......... I know your illness doesn't help, but that doens't stop me from hoping you will feel better as the weather changes:-)
Gaz xx

donejustwrite said...

Dawn, I related a little too well to this entry.  Sometimes things just build up and take their toll.  A long time ago an older man, retired but consulting @ the time, said something so profound to me I've never forgotten it:  "There is no substitute for youth."  I appreciated it at the time but didn't appreciate it as much as I do now.  Freakin' sucks getting old.

lurkynat said...

Dear Dawn
hang in there Dawn!
You are awesome and we all love you!
love,natalie